Truly suicidal for the first time last night

I don't really want to rehash everything but all the stress, anxiety, sadness, etc that has been going on in my life hit a breaking point last night. I just felt like I couldn't take it anymore. I'd had passing thoughts about suicide before, what'd happen if I did it, etc, but last night was just...different. I felt truly out of control. I was seriously considering the pros and cons of walking into traffic, and where I'd do it, and when, etc. And I felt physically awful too, there was a huge knot in my stomach and an ache in my heart.

Thank god I was actually at work at the time so I couldn't do anything. While I was at work I was texting a close friend of mine and he actually surprised me at work to make sure I was okay, and then after work we hung out, so I wasn't alone all night, and it took my mind off things and I was able to calm down.

This morning though, I'm feeling on the edge again. While I was at work last night, I basically was posting cries for help on my twitter - first that I was about to have a mental breakdown, then "If you ever wanted to visit me at work this is the night to do it. Currently considering the pros and cons of walking into traffic. You think I'm kidding.", then "Currently making a mental list of who would be sad if I walked into oncoming traffic". In retrospect maybe I shouldn't have but I was freaking suicidal and wanted SOMEONE to say something. And you know what...one person did. ONE. Out of all my friends. People KNOW that I have depression. People KNOW that I cut myself. And I was freaking tweeting about being suicidal, and only one fucking person says shit.

It's really making me crazy bitter, upset, mad, hurt, etc. I feel like, they didn't take me seriously...I'll give them a reason to take me seriously. I'll make them regret ignoring me and blowing me off.

I know I need to breathe deep, calm down, etc, but I just don't know. I'm walking on the ledge right now. I really want to say "fuck you" to all my "friends" and do something drastic. I don't know. Maybe I should call the crisis line like my therapist suggested, I considered checking myself into a hospital but I don't want my parents finding out.

Morgan you are not living your life for your 'friends' you are living it for you. Maybe Twitter wasn't the best place to share that. I think you should make a small list of friends, real friends, who you can call or text in a crisis. Let them know that you plan to call them if something bad happens in the future. Call them before you do anything drastic, or call the hotline if your friends are not immediately available. People do care about you. I care about you. I would be devastated if anything happened to you. Suicide can seem so tempting at times but it is not a solution. You did the right thing by reaching out to people and I'm glad your friend was there for you. You are too good to cut your life short - I promise you.

Oh Morgan, WE care! I know it's not the same as having people right close by, but we do. I'm glad you had a friend near by who could come check on you though. That was really sweet of him.

I think sometimes people don't comment or check up, because they just don't know what to say. It's not that they don't care, they just can't understand what they haven't experienced, you know? And then they ASSume that someone else will respond and be there. Not everyone is like that, but a lot are. Or they're so caught up in their own troubles that they either can't see past them to anyone else's or they don't have anything left to give. It's not a reflection on what they think of you, but rather a issue not being able to get past themselves.

Have you called the crisis line before? They might be worth a shot. Or, if you think a more intensive therapy program/schedule would help, it might be worth looking in to it. Just because you have the info doesn't mean you have to use it, but at least you would know your options if you decided you wanted to go that way. I researched the hell out of all the ED programs in my area. I'm not ready to take that step, but I know what my options are, and somehow that just makes me feel a little better, you know? If I hit the wall, I know what my best options are and who to call - I even put the numbers in my phone. Just knowing they're there gives me a little security.

(((hugs))) and please remember, we understand, and we care. You're important to us, and we want the best for you.

@Lorna: Wow, that first sentence of your post has really stuck with me. You're so right. I ended up deleting everything about it that I posted on my twitter. I feel like my list of real-life friends is growing smaller and smaller, and that scares me, but I also know I'd rather have a short list of dependable friends, than a long list of unreliable friends.

@Elsa: Thank you for your sweet comments Your second paragraph is so true and it's something I'm trying to realize. It's just sooo hard when I'm in that moment of crisis, to accept the fact that other people are just trying to get by in their own lives, you know? Yeah, I've called the line before, about two weeks ago after a binge and cutting relapse. It was good to talk to someone. Their number is in my phone too.

It just scares me that when I get THAT low, I'm seriously like a completely different person. Now, I can look back at last night/this morning, and be like "holy shit, that was a new low", and see what I did "wrong", and I can rationalize everything and see things clearly. But when I'm in the moment, everything is cloudy, and feels like it's out of my control.

Maybe I need meds. :/