I'm back

I haven't been 'round here in a long while, it seems. I slowly stopped checking here when I was attempting recovery (got over most of my ED-thoughts, stopped calorie counting, switched to low-carb, no sugar, no starches, was feeling much better) but things aren't going so hot right now.

About three weeks ago I started binging again, and two Fridays ago I had my worst binge ever. I had just gotten back home for spring break, and just went to town on all the food at my house until I could barely even move. I ended up in the shower, cutting myself with a razor (two months clean, down the drain), and sobbing under the scalding water til it got cold. I then hopped in my car, called a crisis line (my therapist wanted me to call that line -before- doing anything more drastic, oops), went for a drive and ended up 45 minutes north and almost in a different state. So yeah, that was a bad night.

The binging continued all week. Cut myself a second time. Felt physically and mentally awful. I was all bloated, my cheeks were puffy, and I could see the weight gain on my body.

Got back to school Sunday. Told myself that coming back to school would be a change, I'd stop binging, and get back on track with healthy eating. Well, Monday night, ended up binging at one of the dining courts, and went home and cut myself again.

I've been eating healthy the past two days and am going to try really really hard to keep it up. I have zero binge foods in my apartment right now so that's a start.

I'm a little worried about my self-injuring relapse though. I'd never used razors prior to that night, and I've found that I rather...like using razors. They don't irritate my skin or leave it as red/scabbed as knives or scissors did. Just clean cuts that heal quickly. And I've started cutting my upper arm now, as my wrists are exposed at work, and I don't want my coworkers or bosses to say anything about scars on them. The scars on my upper arm are easily hidden by my work shirt, and most other shirts I wear.

So yeah, guess that's all that's going on with me right now, at least in the way of disordered eating/mental health. I'm gonna peruse the boards now and catch up with all of you guys.

Keep up with the healthy eating. You had a slip up don't let it ruin everything. I cut myself about a week ago with a razor for the first time in about 10 years. I've been using knives until now. I prefer the razor too but it will leave a worse scar so I'm trying really hard not to do it again. I'm always here for you if you need to talk. I'd rather you come and talk to me before you binge or cut and we can work out something safer for you to do. Be careful okay babe?

Thanks Lorna I will. It's good to know someone cares about me, since one of my main triggers to cut aside from binging is feeling like I don't have anyone in the world.

Ah, sorry about the rough spot, Morgan. (((hugs))) The healthy eating sounds like it was going really well though, and getting back to it now for a few days is a good sign. Keep hanging in there, and please feel free to reach out - I think you have some of my contact info, but if not, PM me if you want it.

And yes, you were missed, though I think we all understand that when things are going well it can be better to stay away. Glad to have you back though - and I mean that in the best way possible - not that you reached a point you felt you had to come, but that it's nice to see and catch up with you.

welcome back girl i missed you! sorry this isnt longer ~buisy~ *hugs*

Hello..we haven't met..I'm Marion. I'm so sorry that you've een in so much pain and have had such a hard time. I understand and can relate. The temporary relief that a pizza or a box of cookies gives is never worth the agony of regret for taking in all those calories to me...so I never binge. I used to drink...a LOT. I am proud to say that I've been sober for 17 years. And I used to cut, and urn myself with cigarettes. Lovely, huh?

Well, what to do when you feel desperate and the walls are closing in? I try to distract myself. I listen to music, make a cup of tea, take a shower, call a friend, watch a movie...just delay the action until the urge passes. It takes practice and will power, ut it does work.

I care about you and hope things go well. Send me a call if you wish. I'm a good listener, with many years of experience.

Thanks for the sincere welcomes all. It's good to be back (but also not good I guess, haha).

@Fig, normally I journal, or take a hot shower, or go to sleep. Sometimes the urge is just too too great though. :/ I kinda feel like I should just throw away my razor/cutting tools but I don't know if I'm ready for that either.