No more meds for me

I've been off my medicine for just under 2 weeks. I missed two doses and decided to just come off of it. My theory was that I've been doing well and should save it for when I need them and can't afford it. I'm scared having them laying around because I'm afraid something bad will happen and I'll take a handful of them to hurt myself.

I'm also so fucking tired without them. I'm really down but my (now rare) manic states are intense. I've been smoking a lot, eating less and just laying in bed most of the time. Sometimes I'll be laying in bed at night talking to Joe and just start crying and not be able to explain it. He is a doll though, holding me and understanding what is just my BPD fears.

I've been spending so much time just running through my BPD fears, that I'm not good enough, that everyone is going to hurt me, that I should leave Joe before he gets hurt by me, what if I never find a job...etc

My meds are going to cost so much without insurance once I run out of them, which is why I decided to save them in case I fall really hard back into my depression instead of using them as maintenance to prevent. I know it is a stupid plan, but until I get a stable job I'm not going to be able to afford the few hundred dollars a month to stay on them or to see a therapist down here. Not with Joe having to pay our rent because I can't find a job.

Sorry, it was just a rant.

When you suddenly stop, it is very normal to feel over emotional and for your 'symptoms' to come back heavy. (I hate calling them symptoms it sounds so clinical). That's why they recommend to ease off them. But it will pass and your mood will stabilise. You also have to remember that you've got a lot of stresses in your life at the moment and anyone would feel down in your position. I still have a 'just in case' stash of my citalopram, but I was thinking more like just in case I want to OD. I've researched it though and it won't kill you or even do you any harm or really have much effect on you.
How's the job hunting going? You will find something. I know how frustrating it is to look for a job especially when you feel under pressure to contribute to rent and bills. Just try to stay positive and relaxed because that will really come across to employers. Maybe try to get yourself into a work routine from now like get up at the same time you would for a job, put your smart clothes on and do your hair so you start the day feeling positive and then start the job searching. That really helped me when I was unemployed.
Keep smiling, beautiful. It will all come good in the end xxx