Messed up today

I'm going through a lot of stuff at the moment. I know that, but I still feel bad. I really fucked up today.
I haven't binged in a long time. Lots of weeks. I can't even remember how many. I haven't purged for over three weeks. Then today I went out to buy cough medicine and came back with two tubs of ice cream. I ate them both and then purged. Then I had a mini binge at work. I've come home and binged again. I feel so shitty and useless now. I hate myself. I can't believe I did this

I see two good things:
1. You are not happy for revisiting b/p
2. Your stress levels are high, and b/p is still your coping mechanisms

Good thing is you recognize that. Bad thing is that you don't have a new coping mechanism(s) established. But that will also come...

xxx

That's what's really annoying me. I have a big long list of healthy coping mechanisms and I'd promised myself and my therapist that next time I would try one or more of them before bingeing. But I couldn't. It felt that if I did something else, then I would have to accept my feelings and why I was hurting and I just couldn't do it. I can't face my feelings in case I have to feel that way again. I just want to numb everything out

I don't think you actually do have any other coping mechanisms. Yes, you do have a list of those, but can you actually use them? Do you know how to? I don't think so.

Let's say you have to get from A to B, and there is bike, car, helicopter and scooter parked in front of your house. And you can't drive any of them really. Just because something is AVAILABLE does not mean you know exactly how to use it. You go for safe and sure relief - b/p. You don't know for sure if any of the mechanisms on your list could actually help because you didn't try them yet, and you probably prefer test-driving them outside Zone 1 in rush hour