Restricting, binging, restricting...

They say that ED is a form of "desire for control". OK... All of my clients have utmost confidence in me, they don't ask me to sign confidentiality agreement any more; they don't ask "how much" just "send invoice when convenient". My friends come only when invited, sometimes they hear "Sorry, hun, but I'm busy... Perhaps tomorrow?" I ditch my boyfriend when I'm not in the mood, and he's here (even if he has to miss his workout) if I need him. My bunny had learned verbal commands (and is currently being taken to veterinary research station once a week for examination, since it is believed that rabbits can only understand gesticulation i.e. movement). My apartment is drugstore-clean, and my car is race-ready 24/7. So, I'm in perfect control of my life, right?

Well, almost... Now I'm at 72 kg (approx. 159 pounds)... I would be much lower if my restricting and exercising would not be hampered by binges.

I cannot purge. Not in regular way, at least. My "purging" method is mainly exercise and heavy restricting/fasting. I added herbal laxative tea lately...

Binges usually follow:
1) eating out
2) cooking for someone else
3) clubbing with drinking

I cook for myself, but it's low-cal. And on Saturdays, my bf (and usually some friends) comes over for Saturday lunch. So I cook. The thing is: I don't get tempted to sample as I cook. It comes afterwards. If we spend afternoon at my place, and then girls remain here for dressing and makeup and boys go home to shave , it's still OK. But then, we go out clubbing. And everything is already "budgeted for". But when I return home, I just want to eat. Whatever... Mostly fatty junk. I'd go as far as ordering takeout (lasagna or something) or walking/driving to 24/7 place some 2 miles away to get some junk...

If I could be strong enough to simply restrict, I could be much lower with my weight. This makes me "remedy binge" for 2-3 days, before I can lose again...

I wish I was normal... I wish I could just pick a diet and go to, IDK, 120 pounds... But no matter how much I look, I keep thinking "Oh, this contains too much carbs/fat! This is more of a short-term thing!" I just want to keep my eating in control - like the rest of my life...

You're bound to binge when you restrict. I always end up eating fatty foods after a night out too. I know it sounds really boring, but eating regular, moderate amounts throughout the day will keep you full and your weight will start to drop. My weight has steadily been dropping since I stopped binging and purging and have just been eating something three or four times a day. It's so, so hard and I have to force myself to do it most of the time, but slowly I'm seeing the benefit of it

I've been a good girl since last Saturday. I've been restricting moderately and my weight as of this morning is 70.4 kilos. But...

Last night I revisited my old knee injury. So I'm in pain and nervous... Yes, I could take heavy painkillers (regular stuff don't help much), but then I'd be stoned. So I'm sucking in... And when my cleaning lady came (Thursday afternoon is her time), I went grocery shopping to fix my bf his fav salad. It is not that terrible salad (several types of lettuce, lf chicken luncheon thing, olives, pickles, boiled eggs, canned mushrooms), but it contains cheese (I used 25% but still), mayo and sour cream. So, I offered some to her, and took some myself...

But I HAD to take second helping, and few more spoonful's later... I know it does not add up to that much, but I still feel guilty... Especially due to the fact that I will not be able to exercise for at least 2-3 days. And I threw away my laxative tea...

I saw a nice pair of shoes and I wanted to reward myself with them if I didn't binge this week... That goes down the drain...

Part of my recovery is defining what type of binge you've had. There's an objective binge, which is like a 'real' binge. Then there is a subjective binge, which feels like a binge, but really is a normal amount of food to eat. A couple of bits of salad is not too much to eat. It just feels that way. Think of it though that if someone else had told you they'd ate the much, would you be angry at them? The only person putting all these demands on you is yourself. Don't beat yourself up over it. You just have to recognise that you've had a slip and carry on. Don't stress out too much about the exercise or it will just lead you to binge again

Well, I'm down to a nice, round figure of 70 kg as of this morning. Since I can't exercise, I'd say it is rather good result.

Lorna, you are so right about real and "head" binges. The previous one was the later type, but it does not make it any less severe in my head. The thing that made it easier was the fact that I dropped 0.1 kg the next morning - so I was still in deficit calorie-wise. I need to learn that...

My knee is getting better, so I'm starting my recovery program today. Exercise helps me not question every bite I eat, but this program is not remotely calorie-burning. I might add some upper body and abs exercises, just for me...

OK, after another "I don't care, I want to eat" episode lasting for 2 days and setting me back 1 kg, I came across low carb, and decided to try it. It is said to help with carb/sweets cravings, but it could be dangerous for persons with high blood lipids. However, my blood lipids had always been on the lower end, so that's not an issue. Plus, it helps me eat some of the things I like but had banned myself (like fatty cheese).

So, this is my second day of low carbing. I'm quite satisfied, no cravings in site (although I do have some carb-loaded foods around my house) and I'm feeling good. I've dropped 0.4 kg in a day without feeling hungry, deprived or whatever... I'll see how it goes, but at the moment it seems like the answer...

It will work for a while, but I worry about how long you can sustain it for... just listen to your body and don't deprive yourself to the point that it could bring on a binge

Well, tomorrow is Saturday, and my bf and I have the tradition to eat big lunch together every Saturday. I'm making chicken liver sauteed with onions, mashed potatoes and huge salad. I'll have just a bit of mashed potatoes, but I will not deprive myself.

On Sunday, one of my bf's best friends is celebrating his patron saint (tradition in my country: every family has patron saint, and on his/her day, the family invites close friends and relatives for a meal and celebration). Now, I know that his family is very traditional and they could find it an insult if I would stick to salads, so I'll go for it. The main challenge will be not to binge once I came home.

On Monday, I'm planning on going low-carb again for few days, then up my carbs, etc.

OK, low-carb is officially not working for me. I've been hanging around 70 kg (going up to 71 and down to 70), but I cannot seem to break that barrier. I just wish the damn scale would show the sixty-something... At least 69.9...

I am trying to make 1200 calories plans, but after eating half of that - I feel guilty. So I stop eating. And afterwards, I binge. And take laxatives. And exercise like I'm getting ready for the Olympics. And I stop/revert healing of my knee injury. Today I couldn't exercise. So I couldn't allow myself to eat much. But I still attempted to exercise - and now my knee hurts so bad I can't sleep.

I'm successful at hiding my ED from my bf. It kinda feels like cheating on him. He spent most of the nights last week at my place, so he made sure I ate my breakfast - rolled oats with fat-free fruit yogurt. He would sneak out of bed and fix me a breakfast and morning mocha (plus a go-cup for the work, since I was working at my client's office) and insisted I eat the whole thing in front of him. I'd share/spill most of my go-cup and detail the imaginary big lunch I've had. Instead, I would just go for a walk during the lunch break.

I wish I could have will power to get to low 60's, but it seems impossible... Yes, I know - if ED was not around, it would be rather easy... But if I ate more, the damn thing would make me feel guilty... And late at night, it would make me binge... Right now, I'm fighting the urge to go and empty the fridge... And cupboards...

My ED is getting worse... Previously, if there were no bingeables at my home, I'd just forget about the binge. Now, I'm ready to go an "extra mile" to cook, bake, whatever - to get something to binge on. But when I do, it feels too great to just give it up. It feels as if I'm confronting the entire world, without any consequence I may suffer. Stuffing mouthfuls of pasta with whatever there's at my fridge is like a statement: "F.... you, I'll eat this and you can't stop me!"

When I look at it rationally, I feel crazy. But I just can't help it. It feels so good when I restrict. And even better when I binge. Even the guilt after binging feels good - in a sick, masochistic way... I wish I could tell this to my boyfriend, so he could bring me a normal breakfast, lunch and dinner. But I just can't... This affair I have with my ED is too tempting, too amazing and mysterious I just can't let it go.

So, I've broken the damned 70 mark. I'm at 65... 64.7, to be precise (or, for the Imperial part of the world: 142.3 pounds).

I took up the religious fast of 6 weeks before Orthodox Xmas (Julian calender, January 7th) - for two reasons. My bf had never celebrated his Patron Saint (St. Nicholas, December 19th per "our" calender), so late summer, I offered to do it for him. The entire Patron Saint celebration is a HUGE deal here. If a female would help a male host it, that would mean she is or is to become "the lady of his house". She is supposed to cook the wheat (with walnuts, sugar, vanilla and nutmeg) and bake the bread for the saint. However... When my grandpa was to pass on our Patron Saint, the next in line was my uncle, since he had a son. However, my uncle said he would celebrate it at a restaurant, not to make a mess at his home - which is considered disrespectful of the Saint. So, my father got it, and then myself. Being the holder of the family (the one celebrating the Patron Saint), according to the tradition, I am allowed to help all single man celebrate their Patron Saints, without prejudice of trying to become their "lady of the house". After we cleared on that (he also understands that tradition), I offered him to celebrate. A month prior the day of his Patron Saint, he said "I'd be proud if you cooked the wheat and baked the bread for St. Nicholas for the house of P." But, for that purpose, I ought to do a "fast" - generally a mix of vegan (weekdays) and pescatarian (weekends) diet. Good help me, I did it both for religious and weight loss purposes...

So, knowing the tradition all-so-well, I braided my hair and covered my head with the scarf, waiting for him that eve. He came and did everything the master of the house is supposed to do - under my instructions, with "what now" after each step. When we finished the ceremony, I hugged him and said "Congratulations, THE master of the house!" And... HE CRIED!!! Not the wimp, weak tears - but the tears of the man who finally got to the spot where he belongs... Then, it was the time for me to offer him some cooked wheat and bread... And he offered me some, afterwards, saying "Now you, the mistress of the house!" In our tradition, that wording was stronger than proposal

Ever since, we've been talking about children upbringing, rules of the home, etc. I'm yet to meet his two daughters, though... However, since they are young (3 and 4) and their mom is rather violent (she did pull out the knife on several occasions), he is cautious for my sake. God knows I did fight off even big males with knives in the past...

I'm still in my restricting-binging cycle... And I feel terrible... We are planning for him to take sole custody of the girls... That means that I'll become a mother figure in their lives - which means that my behaviors MUST stop... Am I capable of that?!

Love ya all! <3

Perhaps the girls will be the thing to give you the strength to stop, and the order in your life. I know it's not the same, but for me looking after my dog has helped me with regular eating.
All that aside, I'm so pleased everything is going so well between the two of you