I am desperate

I have been feeling really bad lately and it keeps gettig worse. I have no one to turn to. No help is available. I am so tired of being fat, of hating myself, of being anxious, depressed, and having just a crappy life. I am sick of having nothing to wake up for.

I am sitting here wanting to cut, and I have been fighting the urge all night. I want to kill myself. I just want to sleep or be held, or talk...I just don't know. I need help but I do't have many options so I just keep tossing arou d how I will end it. 11 years of suffering with si, depression, bpd, suicide, ed, and just having nothing...it is not oviously going to get any better for me.

Sorry for not being supportive and just being a downer. This was a stupid post huh

Its not a stupid post at all. You should always express yourself, it might make you feel better by sharing it with others. Im sorry you are going through this though, you dont deserve to be having a hard time.

Why dont you try and surround yourself with friends? You said in another post someone dragged you out but it made you feel better? I know that doesnt help for when you are home alone and feeling like utter shit. How is there no help available to you?

Oh Sam I wish we lived closer I want to give you a huge hug and just tell you how much I care about you. I know how hard it is and you're so strong. You don't always need to be strong, but killing yourself isn't the answer. You have so much still to do and so much to live for. Just think of your niece and how much she's going to need you. Can you talk to your parents? Or friends? When things get really bad you have to talk to someone and if you think you're going to try anything, go straight to the nearest ER. I'm always here for you, we all are. We care about you so, so much. Never forget that

I am not sure how to talk to anyone. My parents have not been the easiest to be open with over the years especially with this. We generally never talked about my treatments, and just ignored it when I came off meds or quit therapy. What if they don't believe me or think i am exadurating. I am scared to ask them for help paying for anything, seeing as I can't even hold down a job lately.

Yes, I am so pathetic that I can't keep a job because of anxiety and paranoia and depression in th past year...my mom says its just a rut that I do not know what I want to do, my dad says I am lazy.

Idk I guess I will keep trying to push through, maybe one day it will go away. I just have so much stuff going on that I don't know how to talk about. I just want a normal life.

It won't go away by itself. I know that more than anyone. It will only get worse. I know it will be very hard to talk to your parents, but if you calmly explain it, maybe just to your mum, and explain how desperate you are feeling, I know she will understand. She is probably just as scared to talk to you about it as you are to talk to her. But when you end up in that place, there will be times you can't look after yourself or make the best decisions about what you need. I don't want to guilt trip you, but your family and friends would be completely devastated if anything happened to you. You don't deserve to feel like this. You deserve the chance to get treatment and to get better. You deserve to keep a good job and make a good life for yourself and open chances for your future. I hate to see you like this and I know that you have the strength inside to get through anything xxx

Thanks. I am just going to keep trying to push threw, i think

Okay, just know when the point will come that you need help and be willing to ask for it. I'm always here for you, any time xxx

I was on that edge this morning again. I am scaring mysef to be honest.

Are you taking any meds at the moment?

No