Dear diary

I'm feeling a bit shit right now. I've still got that post-purge feeling from my Chinese. It was so yummy. I really didn't have the money to be buying take away, but I love purging Chinese. I was kind of hoping by going vegan for Lent, it would reduce my binges and in turn reduce purging. But instead, I've just been realising all the things I still can eat and stuffing myself with that instead. I haven't had like a proper, full on shovelling stuff at 100mph into my gob binge, just like overeating, I guess. Well I only had a portion of rice, but still. I just love purging Chinese.
I don't know how much I weigh at the moment. I haven't weighed myself since I broke my coccyx. What's the point if I can't even exercise? The physio and the GP both said it could take months to heal. Sometimes when I've looked at myself recently, I think I might have lost weight. I don't want to think about it it's too scary.
Back to the overeating, I had a whole packet of biscuits yesterday at work and everyone was like 'Woah you ate all them.' Then Peter turned up. It's the first time I've seen him since our latest falling out. Our last ever falling out. I can't see me speaking to him again. I told him I wanted to die and he told me not to text him again. That's pretty much it there. And I told him 'Fuck you'. Anyway soon as I saw him and he blanked me (and I blanked him) I ran off and purged the biscuits. He did me a favour really, got rid of all those calories.
I saw let's just call him E today. He's definitely got it bad for me. He gave me a couple of kisses and cuddles and the way he looks at me. Yeah, defo got it bad. Then he sent me some more 'odd' text messages. It's been going on for a couple of weeks now. I mean, he's always been flirty and I guess I have too, but just in an innocent, friendly way. But lately, it's just been like different. More intense, more flirty than friendly. I showed my friend who knows him too and she agrees. She says I need to have a talk with him. Which I do. But what the fucking fuck do I say. Too embarrassing. And to be honest, I like the attention. I like to think that someone else is thinking about me. I like the affection. Peter used to be that way with me. But now he's not. So I guess E is my new 'unstable relationship' or whatever the BPD diagnostic thingy calls it. But E doesn't know about my 'issues' whereas Peter knows everything. Included my bulimia, which very, very few people know. Anyway, I digress. What to do with E? I dunno....
I'm feeling quite suicidal. I doubt that I will do anything immediately. I'm flipping between wanted to die and wanting to do all the things I haven't done yet. Maybe I'm just not happy at the moment. I need to carry on with my book. I haven't touched it for a long time. I don't like talking about my writing on ED sites. It's my special thing - my gift, my talent. It's pure and I don't want to taint it. I like to keep different parts of my life separate. But life doesn't have defined lines. It's all a blur. I was thinking about my first overdose earlier and how lonely I was. That's why I did the second one. Not to die, but to fix all the mistakes I made the first time. I'm not sure how that worked out. I haven't taken my Citalopram for a few days again. I don't know why.
I have my new prescription on the table and I still have some pills left over. If you're reading this, kick me up the bum to get to the chemist. Oh I just spent my prescription money on Chinese which I puked up. The GP I saw was horrible. Really nasty little creature. Why did my normal guy have to leave? How could he do that to me? Anyway, that's enough. I need a shower too. I stink. Well not really, but my hair needs a wash. Don't need to look like a tramp on top of everything else.