Not sure where to start ...

So my depression has been taking it out on me lately. Physically and mentally. I'm so unsure about myself and my family is always on me about everything. Its like I'm getting constant pressure from everyone as far as college and finding a job that I'm just worn to death. I was taking medicine from depression after my mom found out about my self harm but I've been off it for months and slowly but surely, my depression is coming back. I don't know what to do. I don't live with my mom anymore and its like I seriously have no one to talk to without being judged. My best friend knows about my depression because she's dealing with it too because of her heart condition but mine is related to my BPD, crappy self esteem, bulimia and self harm. I could never tell her any of that without her judging me. She would never understand and honestly I wouldn't even be able to explain. Life is just getting so hard for me that I'm close to giving up on myself. I just seriously want to disappear, die or sleep forever. I'm sorry for rambling. I just don't know what else to do I feel like I'm reaching for a rope to hang on to but it gets pulled up higher and higher everytime I reach for it.

I have no clue what I'm apologizing for but I'm sorry.

Maybe it would be a good idea to go back on medication? I'm questioning that myself at the moment. Who do you live with? I really think you should talk to someone whether it's a professional or a friend or even just a helpline. Of course we're always here for you too. I think your friend will probably be a lot more understanding than you think. If she's depressed, she's probably feeling a lot of the same things you are.
Don't keep everything bottled up inside or it will only get worse. You need to look after yourself because you don't deserve to feel that way. And never apologise for rambling. Better to get everything out xx

I want to get put back on my medication but I don't want to go back to the therapist I was seeing before. She was beyond annoying. She was just all around a negative person and she always shot my ideas and stuff down. I couldn't deal with it and plus the medication I was on had terrible side effects. I was having heavier than normal periods, it made me develop hyperhidrosis, It made me faint when I didn't take it at exactly the right time of the day and as if all of that wasn't bad, I gained crazy amounts of weight from this medicine!

I've gone back on meds. I'm taking Prozac now and so far, I like it. I haven't had any side effects

Unfortunately, there are so many meds out there for anyone to be sure that the first one prescribed would do the trick. Some people take aspirin for headache. Others take ibuprofen. Both are good, but not for everyone.

Antidepressants are supposed to help reestablish the brain chemistry, but the good therapy is essential. For instance, I have a bad knee. I revisit that injury now and then, and recovery is always painful. It includes painkillers, but also lots and lots of exercises. Painkillers alone would help, but not solve the problem. Therapy is that "exercise" for your depression. However, if I did wrong exercises, I would additionally harm my knee. Which is also true for your therapy. Try finding therapist who can really understand you. And by that, don't expect pep-talk "Oh, poor you, I understand, etc, etc" - sometimes it takes a bit of tough love.

Hope you'll get on your way to find good meds and good therapist

Lorna, glad you've decided to go with it xxx