BPD

My mood has been so unstable lately. I've had episodes of being manic and really strong bouts of depression. My depression has been getting a lot worse lately and it's beginning to scare me. I'm worried that I will act on my urges of self harm or do something silly where I've been feeling suicidal. I don't know what my mood is going to do from one minute to the next. I can be up for hours and then out of nowhere I'm in tears and desperately depressed.
I was meant to bring my pill stash in to therapy today, but I didn't. My therapist doesn't like the fact that I've got this stash and she's probably right. I don't want to act on an impulse with a permanent result.
She thinks I should see their psychiatrist and talk to him about my mood and my treatment options. I'm really keen not to go back on to meds because for me it will feel like a backwards step and there are also some issues with work and taking certain meds.
But I need to think about my own welfare and my health. And my moods were a lot more stable when I was on medication. I hate feeling like this and not having control over my own mood or behaviour. It really frightens me

I think you should talk to them about meds, talking about options doesn't mean you have to commit to anything. There may be options that are not as intense. Have you tried anything natural? Joe is bi-polar and has BPD and he was on St. John's Wort for a bit, it worked pretty well I think.

I have to declare all medication to work as we are bound by a drugs policy and because of the nature of our work, we will be placed under certain restrictions depending on what we take. Even herbal stuff. I think I want to hang fire til things calm down a bit in my life, til I meet my new manager and suss if he or she will add to my stress if I did go back on them. And also want to meet the psychiatrist. Then of course I'll need to bring up the issue at home because it will seem like I'm getting ill again, which I guess I kind of am. But I don't want to freak anyone out or have anyone watching me too closely

i think meeting with the psychiatrist is a good idea. Rememeber, just because you meet them or even see them a few times doesn't mean you are locked into anything. Taking medicine or not is your choice. I can see where your job is coming from with wanting to know what you are taking, considering the type of you all do even though it does get in the way of treatments. As for things at home, you could always play things off as you trying to prevent anything from happening, that you need a bit of time before you can continue moving forward. No matter what anyone says, this isn't a terrible step backwards. BPD is a mess sometimes and so unpredictable that we all need a little help now and then.

It's confusing the hell out of me. I'm just conscious of the fact that as I'm going to be going over a lot of past traumas in my therapy, it could make me more vulnerable and I don't want to do anything impulsive... I'll have to take some time to think about it