Mixed up feelings

I feel really bad right now. I want my eating disorder back properly. I've tried so hard and honestly I've been doing really well, eating enough and managing to ignore the bad thoughts. But I don't want this. I want it back properly. I want the comfort of watching the number go down every day. I want to go whole days eating nothing. I want to get more laxatives, and I want to purge again, and I want to be sick again. I'm scared. I feel scared eating normally. It's horrible. I feel so huge. I've gained so much weight. I'm going to get fat again. But I don't want it back as a diet. I know that I can diet healthily and that's better and all that. I want it back and I don't even know why U guess it was comforting. :s I mean, I know I still have it. I'm not fixed yet. But I want the behaviours to come back because it's comforting. Knowing that I have something to think about. I feel so suicidal right now, maybe it'll help? I don't know. I don't know. I hate this. I feel fat. :s