He did it again!

RANT WARNING!!! MANY SWEAR WORDS TO FOLLOW

Okay, so my husband was reading my Twitter the other day, behind my back, in secret, without my permission. We had a long chat about privacy and boundaries and the like. He convinced me (almost) that he understood and I was pretty sure he wouldn't do it again. BUT HE HAS.
I was tweeting a load of stuff today about my weight and my ED. When I got up this morning, I had a really sore, swollen throat and it was still bleeding from purging yesterday. Then when I got to work, I was working with my two close friends. Karen bought me a load of Haribo and chocolate and I also brought bread in to do toast. I ended up pretty much binging/overeating in front of my other friend (Elvis). I had 3 mini chocolate bars, half a packet of Haribo gummy bears and 4 slices of toast, as well as a carton of drink. Then I went in the toilet and purged. I think I was pretty quiet and I left the tap running. He was in the next room and serving at his till anyway. He didn't say anything, so I'm guessing he didn't hear.
Anyway, I tweeted about my swollen throat, the bleeding, about my friend buying my sweets, about purging with Elvis in the next room and feeling out of control. Then about how I hate eating and how I could feel myself getting fatter. A few days ago, I tweeted that Elvis was asking me some questions about my eating habits and how I almost blurted out to him the other day about my ED.
The last few days my bulimia has been awful. There's some family issues going on (his side) and it's really been causing us both a lot of stress, which has led to super disordered behaviour.
Anyway, I came home today and my husband asked if I was going to have lunch. I told him that I was going out for dinner with Elvis (which has been arranged for days now) so I didn't want to eat. He got in a sulk because he'd been waiting for me to get home so he could eat. So, we've had a little bit of lunch together. As soon as we've sat down he started bombarding me with questions about my bulimia. He asked if it was causing any health problems and I said not that I've noticed. He said that now when I sleep I'm wheezing.
Then he asked if my throat is swollen, do I remember when we had to go to the emergency doctor because my throat was bleeding, do I ever purge at work, do I only purge in my office (with private toilet) or would I purge in any of the other toilets with my members of staff in the next room, does anyone at work know about it apart from Karen, would I ever tell anyone at work, would I tell Elvis. This is all stuff I've put on Twitter AFTER the first time he went on there.
Then he asked why do I hate eating so much, what's wrong with feeling full, why do I purge? Why did I start? He says it doesn't make any sense why I do it. It doesn't make sense that I never did it and then 'all of a sudden' I started doing it. Unless I was doing it all the time and lying about it. Why can't I stop? Is it my online friends telling me I need to do it and I need to be skinny? How do I think it makes him feel? I'm not being fair, I'm selfish. He says everywhere he looks there are reminders of my ED, like diet pills, extra toothbrushes, him having to hear me purge, it's my fault we never have any food in the house, I'm wasting all our money on food. Then it was, do I want to make him a widower? Do I want to die, do I want to spend the rest of my life sick and in and out of hospital? He said I'm never going to stop and he doesn't think I will take treatment seriously and I'll just keep doing it because I have 'no intention' of stopping. He said he can't talk to anyone and when I suggested people for him to talk to he just dismissed me
I didn't blow my top, I stayed calm, I explained everything and told him that 1. He can't criticise when he has a lot of body issues. How can he expect me not to feel this way when he talks about feeling the same all the time. I mean, how is it ok for him to survive on 1 banana for 10 hours, but what I'm doing is wrong. He should empathise 2. I didn't choose this, I don't want this, but I can't help it. I am waiting for treatment, I don't know how to stop on my own. It's not my fault.
I feel really bad for him, but I really don't know what to do. I think he needs some help or at least to be able to talk to his friends, but he won't. He told me not to tell anyone else about my ED, which firstly makes me feel more isolated and secondly reinforces my belief that it is something to be ashamed of. More than that, I'm so fucking angry that he's gone behind my back AGAIN. I've deleted my Twitter and my Tumblr. I just hope he's not going to poke around on here or I may have to take a break, which I do not want to do and am not willing to do. But I would just have to help you guys out, I wouldn't feel comfortable to post any of my own problems. It's like he's destroying all of my support network. What else is he reading/spying on? I don't keep a diary, but if I did, I bet you he'd have read that too. And I can't say anything because he'll just blow up at me again. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to help him and I don't know how to deal with everything. And the result will be that my ED just gets worse.

I really don't know what to tell you, hun...

We all know that our ED's are bad for us, but yet we keep clinging to them as if our lives depended on it... We feel deprived and kinda violated if we are forced to do otherwise...

Honestly, I hope you could find some middle ground, something like "acceptable restricting"... I myself am terrified of regular purging, so that's the best I can say...

Whenever you see a green dot by my name on FB, feel free to click if you need to talk <3

Fuck sake i just wrote loads out and pressed backspace and walahhh, its gone. Ugh.

I guess its hard because hes your husband and he cares about you. He doesnt want to see your health go down the drain. Its just not fair that hes going behing your back to spy on you, thats sneaky. If he said, Lorna, can i look at your Tumblr? That would have been better, or even asking you how you feel to your face, and making you open up about everything.

I dunno what to say, maybe find some common ground? Sit down and talk about everything, tell him you will try and talk to him if he doesnt sneak around behind your back. Tell him how its made you feel about him going on your Twitter etc.

Hope you are ok. xx

It's just fucking pissed me off so much because I've been talking to him so much and been so open with him, but it's still not enough. It's the way he was just being so accusing about my ED. I didn't choose this, I don't want this. It's not some personal attack against him. He's just so obsessive about it and about other things too at the moment. Like it's really worrying me. It's not normal. But I can't say anything or I'll get blamed or he'll just throw everything back at me like things from the past

Yeah, its not fair of him to ask so much of you, like saying you cant tell others is very unfair. Sounds like he only wants you to talk to him about it, no one else? I guess to him it makes it so you will only ever talk to him about it, but hes going about it the wrong way!

You shouldn't bottle it up, it will make you feel worse and possibly make you want to purge more. Tell him. xx

Oh Lorna, how awful! I'm sorry he's making things harder for you. (((hugs))) I wish I had something helpful to offer, but I'm over here doing everything I can to keep mine from figuring things out. I have no clue how I'll go about handling it when he does.

That said, I don't think we can be forced to stop doing what we're doing. In my experience, that only drives it more, because they're trying to take control (or our primary coping mechanism) away. Stealing that control, or stripping us of the only way we know how to cope, without providing an adequate replacement only makes things worse. And I'm sorry, but a loved one's "shoulder to cry on" isn't enough, not when we're too fucked to express our emotions properly. *sigh*

I get that he wants to help though. It must be an incredibly helpless feeling to have to stand by and watch us do what we do once they know. You said he's struggling with something else . . . could it be that he's using your problem to avoid his own? Maybe ask him about that?