Panic mode/feeling fat/ wishy washy

So, I've gone up from 88lbs to just under 100lbs. And I feel horrible and gross and fat and my clothes have gotten tighter. But, these are distorted thoughts. It is physically impossible to be "fat" at my weight. I would have to gain another 50lbs to be clinically fat. It is just even being at a normal weight that scares me, at no longer being thin. I felt special being thin, I felt comfortable and not grotesque. I felt less responsible, like I was a little kid, and now I'm gaining fat around my bones and fitting into my old clothes and feeling a whole mess of unpleasant emotions.

So, I'm panicking. My thighs, they are too big, my stomach, it protrudes, my arms widen against my body and my butt sticks out to epic proportions. I don't want to be fat, or more accurately, have a normal body. So I don't know what to do. I've restricted today, and plan to the next few days, but I'm being weighed on friday. I can't lose weight or go even a little backwards or they'll send me to inpatient where I will have absolutely no leeway. I want to eat but abbhor my body in every way. I want to live life, but stay thin. I basically don't know what the hell to do.

One thing that keeps me going is I have found something I want to do: to become a dietician. To be a dietician, I obviously need to have a healthy diet, and be healthy and fit. But then all I think about it how my thighs feel against each other and stop myself from grabbing what I want to eat. I just don't know what to tell myself to be okay with recovery. I really want to want recovery and I just don't know how! I mean, I do want it, I guess I just don't want to go through the freaking hard part. I wish I had a disease where I wanted to just be healthy and do everything great for my body; that would make life hell of a lot easier.



Anyways, if any of ya read this, thanks for hearing out my rant. I just don't know where else to turn. And, if I feel fat now, how am I gonna feel with 15 more pounds on me??

Oh Apple, I totally understand. I wish I had some fabulous advice to offer, but I just don't. I guess all I can say is that it gets easier. I don't remember how it happened, or how long it took, but I do remember swimming and running and teaching skating all while being relatively happy with my body. My thoughts were more focused on what it was capable of, and less so on size and appearance. If you want to be a dietician, keep focused on that - it's a great goal and you do need to be healthy to get there. Can you try thinking of yourself as your first client? If you had someone sitting in a chair, looking to you for help, what would you tell her? So often we're more gentle with others than we are with ourselves. (((hugs)))

Im sorry you are going through all this. So you have to put on another 15lbs? That is quite harsh.

Getting to 115 wont make you big, honestly no way near big. Your thighs wont touch, you wont have a big stomach and your arms wont have fat on them. Its just your disordered thoughts making you feel that way. You will still be really tiny.

And yeah, like Elsa said ^, keep thinking about your ultimate goal of being a dietician, in order for you to get there you need to have a good healthy relationship with food.

i know this is abit late
but i completely understand how you feel. and i hope you ket going with recovery as hard as it is =\
it truly is worth it and it gets slightly easier.
im here if you ever want to talk

what you wrote i couldnt have written better myself
x