Last night

I thought I could accept the weight that I have gained, just in the healthy range, but I can't, I hate it, I hate, hate, hate it, I look disgusting, I feel heavy and gross, everyone keeps commenting on how I am filling out nicely and looking really healthy.

I hate what I see in the mirror, I hate feeling the food travel through my stomach, I can see it travelling through, then it just sits there, going nowhere, I can feel it all sitting there.

This has been going round in my head for weeks, I sit in therapy and say that I could accept where I am now, but I can't.

I fixed it last night, today I have that empty feeling, my body has emptied all the food that was just sitting there, I like the empty feeling, everything has been flushed out, I am going to spend the day with that empty feeling, it makes me feel better.

I took laxatives last night, something I haven't done since Christmas, yes I have stomach cramps and a headache but I can live with that today. I have no regrets of last nights actions, I don't care, it has made feel better even if it's just for today.

Mods if you feel this needs moving move it, I wasn't sure where post to post it.

I'm sorry you feel that way I know exactly what you mean, so I can't exactly preach about it. But I just want you to know that none of us see you the way you see yourself. It doesn't matter and it doesn't define you, but personally I think you have an amazing body. I would kill to be your size. That aside, you are a good person, you are kind, generous, loving and funny. You inspire me everyday with your strength, you loyalty and your determination. You are a beautiful woman on the outside and on the inside. Bare that in mind before you decide what to do from here. Whatever you do, I will always be here for you and support your decisions

Thank you for your support.

They say fake it til you make it.

Not sure I can fake it for much longer,

Think I need to discuss this with my psychologist

I definitely think you should talk to her about it. There's no point just going through the motions if it's not making any difference. She wants you to move on to the next section of recovery, but that may not be the best thing just yet. Speak to her and see what she has to say. She will help you find the answers

I'm sorry you feel that away <3 I'm kinda on the same boat as you ~is imaging us both on boats floating next to each other~ So i get it, and lemme know if you ever wanna talk <3

Sorry, i just felt like i needed to share my visual xD

I wanted to write something smart, but the only thing I can think of is: hang in there, it's just one lost battle. What matters is how you handle it afterwards...