No middle ground?

I feel like there is so middle ground on things, like either I feel like I am binging or just eating too much or I am fighting every bite that goes into my mouth and crying over it. Why can't there be a middle ground...or why can't I just stick to one freaking side of this instead of bouncing around. It is mentally exausting.

That's just how I am. With my BPD, everything is so black and white, everything is one way or the other. There is no middle for me. It's horrible. I wish I could tell you what to do or find a way to make you feel better, but I feel the same way myself. Just know that it is a normal thing and you're not on your own

I think we're all on the same page here...

No matter how much I try, I simply cannot find "middle ground" - normal eating and healthy exercise. One thing that bothers me the most is my belief that, since I'm fat, it's impolite for me to eat in public. So being in public a lot (my work, social life, etc.) gets me to the point of getting home late at night after eating maybe a piece of fruit or some plain yogurt, and then... Huh...

They say it's the thing of control... And the control is one thing I feel I'm lacking in all this...

Yeah, I don't completely understand the control thing. I mean, I have a lot of control in my life, in my career, in my relationships. However, I feel like I have no control over my feelings or my eating. I don't mind eating in public so much, but in front of people I know, like at work, I hate.

There are several scenes in movies about ED describing that "eating in public" thing. Whenever I eat in public, I can almost hear people whispering "Oh, look at that fat girl, stuffing her face!" Somehow, I end up believing that I'd better skip lunch when working somewhere (not from my home office), saying I have some errands to do. Rationally, I know it would be better if I ate something, since that situation (skipping breakfast or better yet announcing few drops of milk in my coffee to be my breakfast; skipping lunch) gets me to binge when I finally come home... In fact, if I have a piece of fruit in the morning and a light lunch (soup, for instance; or grilled chicken breast), my dinner boils down to some light cottage cheese or plain yogurt or salad.

I just wish I could be normal around food...