Freaking out :/ (long post)

So here's the deal. I was diagnosed as anorexic when I was only four years old, and I've been battling it on and off ever since then... Most recently, I had "recovered" for nine months. For a couple months I've been trying to lose weight in a healthy way (1500 calories a day). But earlier this week I ditched my healthy eating habits and started restricting (0-300 calories a day). And the worst part... I'm not sure if I care. My current mood is like... why fight it? (I've been suicidal for two weeks, and hospitalized the first week of it.) I need to lose weight for my job (I'm an alternative model, though alternative doesn't mean I get to be a normal weight sadly), and this is sure as hell the quickest way to do it. I haven't had work since I gained the weight. I've considered doing something else for work, but modeling is really a passion I have. Though I realize it might be time to give it up for good. I just have no idea what to do... I really miss being emaciated, as sick as that is, I miss it so much. I don't know if anyone can say anything to help, but I'd still love to hear your opinions on the situation, dears. <3

You have to decide what is most important for you - your health or your look. If you want to recover, you cannot think about losing weight in any way. It starts as healthy dieting, but you know where it ends up. You have to think long and hard about it and decide what is best for you