I just want to be myself again...

So i ate a crazy amount of food just now and purged nearly all of it. I didn't want to be completely empty to avoid binging again because I know for a fact that it'll happen. And plus my body has been feeling freaking crazy lately. I'm pretty sure I'm anemic and I haven't been to the doctor yet because I don't want to be weighed in public and plus I haven't weighed myself in weeks because my scale is broken. Then, I know that the nurse is going to have to do blood work and take my blood pressure and all that junk but I seriously CANNOT have my bare forearms exposed to anyone because I'll end up in a mental hospital later that day. I have semi-fresh cuts on my arm right now and I cut the deepest I have in a while the other day.

Can i also talk about how messed up my teeth are from purging? They weren't like this a couple years ago. Now they're a little discolored from purging and smoking and my teeth are really sensitive. Not to mention that they are literally wearing down. It's scaring me.

anyway. I'm rambling. Sorry . Good bye.

Hey babe it's great that you didn't let yourself fall into that cycle of binge/purge/repeat. Maybe once your arms have healed a bit, it would be a good idea just to get checked out at the doctors. For now, make sure you're rehydrating yourself after you purge. I used to drink Lucozade Sport Lite which was like 25cal in half a bottle. Or the stuff you can take for diarrhoea is really good, but it tastes like crap. The teeth, try not to brush or use mouth wash after purging. Dilute some baking powder and swish that around your mouth. Just be careful ok? I'm worried about you xxx

Thank you for your concern. I appreciate it. It's really hard not falling into the cycle of binge and purge. I was seriously just about to go purge right now but being that I live in a house with a ton of people it's hard to purge during the day and not at night because it's like always someone in the bathroom and plus I ate like 20 minutes ago so it's pretty much a lost cause. I've been having trouble eating all day. Normally for me, I feel crappy after eating with that "omg. you totally knew how many cals were in that but you continued to stuff your face anyway, go purge right now." voice playing over and over in my head. But it started today as soon as I tried to fix something to eat, even when I went to eat dinner I was thinking that I didn't even need to eat because I ate earlier in the day and that was more than enough since I actually shouldn't even be eating in the first place. It just sucks that there is really nothing I can do to 100% messing up my teeth but only slowing down this inevitable scary process of purging until my teeth are to the point of no return.

ALSO. I'm losing weight. I can feel it. It's exciting but I know eventually once I lose like 20 pounds I'll still have ill feelings towards myself.