Almost came clean

I've been getting a lot closer to one of my friends recently. We work together and we've started spending time with each other outside of work too. The past couple of weeks we've been on the same shift, so we've had a lot of time to talk. I've told him all about my mental health issues and my treatment and I've told him a few little things from my past and told him there's lots of other things that have contributed. He's been so supportive, really he's been amazing. However where we've been spending so much time together at work and when he's taken me out for coffee, he's noticed that I don't really eat. I'm in a bit of a restrictive phase at the moment. He'll say things like 'Are you not going to eat today?' 'Lorna, you have to eat' that sort of thing as well as buying me sweets and offering me his own food or to go and buy me food. I've said to him that when I'm home alone I try not to eat and I told him that twice I've gone 5-6 days without food. Oh and he's seen me taking appetite suppressants.

Anyway this morning we were talking about my forthcoming holiday and I told him that I didn't want to go. He was trying to get me excited about going and I told him, it's not that. He asked what it was and I told him that I was scared because I would have to eat every day and I'd come back fat. He thought I meant I'd eat more because I was on holiday and I was like no I mean I will actually have to eat three times a day, I won't be able to skip meals, I can't lie about eating and I will get fat. He said I wouldn't get fat. He asked if I was on a diet or trying to lose weight... it was right on the tip of my tongue... and I told him 'It's complicated and I don't want to talk about it any more' He told me again that I wouldn't get fat. I walked off and hid in the toilet for a bit. When I came back he gave me a big hug and a kiss and asked if I was okay.

I trust him 100% and I know he would support me, but then the 'voice' was saying no you can't tell him. How can you admit how disgusting you are. He will hate you if he finds out. You're too fat to have an ED. He'll think you're dirty because you are dirty. You are weak and fat and disgusting. How could you think about telling him? You stupid bitch.

It sounds like he would support you and be there for you. Maybe leave if for another few weeks, like when your not working the same shift and see if you still have a good, tight relationship. If you have, and you feel like telling him, i would say do it. Although it might make him push food onto you more, or monitor your habits when your with him?

As for the last bit, Lornaaaaa, don't put yourself down. You are NOT disgusting, you are NOT fat and you certainly aren't dirty or disgusting. Your a beautiful, strong woman. Remember that.

Thanks babe. Your so right. I think if we still maintain the closeness when there's distance (if that makes sense) then I'll know I can rely on him. But he will push food on me. So that's not good. I think he could be a good friend but then I don't know if he's just another BPD 'unstable relationship'... they can't all be can they? Some people must be genuine

We're going for dinner tonight :/ My throat is still bleeding this morning from all the purging yesterday...

How did it go? Hope you didnt purge.

In the end we just had hot chocolate and then went for a walk round the graveyard. No food so no purging

Aww that's good then. It sounds weird but i love walking around the crem. Especially when its a warm sunny day.

Ah, that does sound like a nice time. I'm glad it went well.

I love graveyards - our house backs up to one and the section behind us is over 100 years old. It's beautiful.

I couldn't believe it when he said he loves graveyards. I was like Whaaaaat you too? Come on pay for my drink, we're going for a walk. The one near me is lovely, the church is like a castle with a big wall around it so you're just so private and quiet even though there's a main road running all the way around the outside of it

Oh that sounds just gorgeous! I bet you have some spectacular cemeteries there. Ours doesn't have a church on the property. The church that goes with it is downtown - we're on the outskirts.

is jealous of super old buildings, gorgeous cemeteries, and castles. ----->

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This is the church

That is beautiful!

ooh, love it!!