Bulimia in full swing

I feel like it's completely taking over again. I don't even try to hide my behaviour from my husband any more. Why should I? He knows what's going on anyway so why play dumb? I'm purging at least three time every day, starving myself until I need to eat and then that just turns into a binge. I've been dabbling with diet pills again and know that that will only get worse. I'm getting much better at purging and I kind of feel like I've lost some weight, which is just triggering me to keep purging. I'm thinking, if I can purge so well, I can afford to eat a little more, but more often so it won't lead to a binge. I'm also exercising, which I'm not really supposed to be doing under my physio's instructions. She said to do some core exercises 2 times a week for a couple of minutes at a time. What did I do yesterday? An hour walking on the treadmill, which resulted in being in excruciating pain for the rest of the day. I keep thinking, if I could only exercise, I could purge and then burn the calories too to guarantee weight loss

I know how you feel, sometimes i think what im doing isnt bad, and that my disordered eating is normal. Yet for the past 7 days ive been living on under 200 cals in fruit, been exercising all the time and ive lost 7lbs, and im happy but i can realise that its not healthy. If that makes sense. But im not ready for recovery, and i dont know if i ever will be.

Have you tried talking to anyone? What does your husband say about it? I bet hes really worried. Theres nothing i can say to make you stop trying to purge/lose weight, i know what its like when other people tell you to stop, its not going to happen. Just be careful, maybe try to limit yourself to purging twice instead of three times? Then down to one? Also, do light exercises that arent going to fuck you up. Just think, if you go against your physio's orders, you might do more damage and be unable to exercise at all, and probably make you feel even worse. I hope you will be ok. xx

I don't know if it's just my disorder talking, but I'm convinced that I just need to stop binging and I can carry on everything else and be alright. My husband hasn't said anything yet and I'm not sure if my weight loss is noticeable. If someone else points it out then I'll know. I don't really know where I am at the moment with my eating, I'm just kind of being carried along